


The Waiting Game

by Time_Is_Restored



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Study, Game Over Timeline, Heterosexuality (in so much as candy is referenced), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), The Homestuck Epilogues, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat, in which lying to yourself becomes more difficult than previously imagined
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 01:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time_Is_Restored/pseuds/Time_Is_Restored
Summary: Four Jades hang in limbo. Sometimes, their paths cross. One could say this goes quite badly.





	The Waiting Game

gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering . . . ?

GG: Do you guys remember Dave’s planet? Haha. I hated it there. It was so hot!!! All of my outfits were built for snow :p

GG: Hmm. Maybe if I lit the forge earlier my outfits would’ve been more summer ready.

GG: Lol. That’s what you get for slacking!!! John, take notes. We all had to _die_ for you to get cracking on your quest!

GG: I wonder if you guys are hurrying now? It’d be pretty out of character, I’d admit. What are we all good for as rulers if not sitting around and talking shit! :D

GG: I think it would be nice if you hurried. But I won’t blame you if you don’t. Dirk is a scary guy now!! It’d be a good idea to plan ahead before rushing into something that dangerous.

GG: Oooh, what I wouldn’t give to see Karkat’s "SERIOUS LEADER BUSINESS" face right now :B

GG: All puffed up like a little chipmunk. An ANGRY chipmunk. A chipmunk who MEANS BUSINESS!!!

GG: Oh, is Jake there?? Ohhh, he must be taking this so hard :(

GG: It’ll be okay Jake!!! I’m sure Dirk... err, cares about you???

GG: Yeesh, that didn’t come out right at all.

GG: But I forgive you if you’re staying behind Jake!!! You shouldn’t be doing anything too strenuous right now, probably. Like... Err, well I’m not sure _exactly_ what Dirk’s doing but it’ll definitely involve some heavy lifting to stop, so really its for the best if-

GG?: Who are you talking to.

GG: Huh? Who are you!?

GG: You look... really young!!

GG?: Oh. I suppose that’s an incongruence on Paradox Space’s part. I haven’t been here for very long. We must be at different points on our respective timelines.

GG?: But the entire time I _have_ been here, you’ve been muttering to yourself. You kind of sound like a crazy person.

GG: Oh. Well, to be perfectly honest, I am talking to my friends!

GG?: Your... friends? But there’s no one else here?

GG: I know it is kind of silly. After all, they can’t hear me! But I’d like to think that wherever this is, we can still make an impact!

GG: Where are we by the way???

GG?: Oh. I haven’t thought about it much. I assumed this was a dream bubble.

GG: But the dream bubbles are all gone... :/

GG?: They are?

GG: Yeah!!

GG?: Oh. That’s interesting, I suppose.

GG: ...Ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise-

GG?: Hmm?

GG: That. Well. You know... that you’re in a doomed timeline???

GG?: Oh, that. Don’t worry, I already knew.

GG: Wait, you... what? But I can see your eyes! You don’t look very dead at all to me!

GG?: I’m not. Not yet. But I will be soon.

GG: Nooo, don’t say that! You can’t give up!!

GG?: It’s not giving up. I just know what will happen.

GG: What do you mean! That’s such a horrible thing to think D:

GG?: It might be horrible. But its honest. Don’t you remember Jadesprite, Jade?

GG: Ugh, of course I remember Jadesprite!! What does _she_ have to do with anything!!!

GG?: She knew things that you don’t, even now.

GG: She didn’t know _anything!!!_ She was dead!!!!!!

GG?: What do you remember about the Green Sun, Jade?

GG: Huh?

GG?: Its not there anymore in your universe, is it.

GG: Wh- of course its still there, I still have all my powers!

GG?: Exactly. You have your powers. You don’t have Bec’s. Not anymore.

GG: Y- you don’t know that!

GG?: I do. Because otherwise you would know what I mean when I say that I know I am going to die.

GG: That doesn’t make any sense!

GG?: To you, maybe.

GG: God, why do all of the other me’s suck so bad!! Just explain it to me!!!!! Why do you think you’re going to die!!!!!!!!!!

GG?: I don’t think it. I know it.

GG: God _damn_ it!

GG?: You’re very impatient. You used to be so good at waiting, Jade.

GG: !?!?!?!?! How dare you!!!! We’re the same _person_ , you don’t get to act like you’re so much BETTER than me!

GG?: Have you met Jake, Jade?

GG: What? Of course! We are very good friends!! And I am _sure_ he wouldn’t like you, if you ever met :p

GG?: Hmm. I won’t ever meet him, though. Not properly.

GG: I’m... I’m sorry. About that.

GG?: I imagine you would be. But he’s not Jake for me anymore. He’s my grandfather. And he has a blue lady with him. Thus, I know that I will die.

GG: What??? Jake isn’t my grandpa. Grandpa died a long time ago!! You’re not making any sense >:(

GG?: Do you know what going Grimdark is like, Jade?

GG: God, stop changing the subject!!! Why were you talking about my Grandpa!!!!!!!!!! We can’t even _go_ Grimdark, stupid, only Rose can!

GG?: Why do you think that?

GG: B- because!! It’s a Light thing. We’re Space, remember!?

GG?: It’s not a Light thing. It’s within all of us, any of us, who play this game. Though its true enough that some of us are better at it than others.

GG?: It takes things you didn’t know about yourself, things you don’t remember, things you hate, things you’ve repressed, and it forces it to the surface. And it leaves all of your moderation behind.

GG?: That’s me, by the way.

GG?: Your moderation.

GG?: Hi.

GG: I’m

GG: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sure that must feel horrible.

GG: But if you’re the moderate part of... me? us? ugh this is giving me a headache-

GG: Why are you such a _defeatist??_ Surely you’re the part of me that knows how to problem solve! To break out of traps! Don’t you remember what we did with the Fourth Wall???

GG?: Those are the qualities of you, not me, Jade.

GG: That literally makes no sense.

GG?: Perhaps. But like I said, you don’t have a Green Sun anymore. I do. So I remember.

GG: Remember??? Remember what!

GG?: I won’t tell you. Even if I did, I’m sure you won’t believe me. You’d write it off as a difference between our timelines, when really nothing could be further from the truth.

GG: You keep assuming all these things about me! We’re not the same anymore, you literally _just_ said that! How do you know how I’ll react!?

GG?: It’s like gravity. Everything always falls eventually, even if it takes years for its weight to begin to show. Nothing can resist the call. And you and I, Jade? We always hit the ground at the exact same time.

GG: That’s a _gross_ misunderstanding of that principle :/

GG?: See? I imagine I’d be hard-pressed to find a Jade who wasn’t a stickler for accurate scientific reporting.

GG: Har-di-har. So what’s your point?

GG?: My point, Jade, if you’ll so kindly recall, is that I am going to die. It is not a matter of if, or how, or why, but when. He will kill me because of her, and I cannot stop it.

GG?: The circumstances around me being Grimdark are quite different to how it happened to Rose. But the effects are the same. I know exactly what I am and am not capable of.

GG?: And thus I know I will die.

GG?: You can’t understand this, because parts of you died with the Green Sun. Memories that Bec shielded you from, all your life. Nothing you will ever notice, or realise is missing, but something that is painfully obvious to the less fortunate Jades, who did not have the luxury of never knowing.

GG?: I don’t think I exactly _wish_ remembering on you. I am not that cruel, even in death.

GG?: But it still hurts. To see what could have been.

GG?: Though, after all, I suppose it won’t bother me for much longer.

GG?: Because, and stop me if I’ve lost you here, I am about to die.

GG: ...Ugh.

GG?: Hmm?

GG: That’s- That’s- That’s just so-!!

GG?: Scary? Depressing? Heartbreaking? Heart _wrenching?_

GG: Well, y-

GG?: Destroying? Infuriating? Miserable? Absolutely horrifying?

GG: Yes, I-

GG?: Has it perhaps occurred to you that I am completely and utterly furious? That _maybe_ the fact that my life has been taken from me before I’ll even ever get to live it has _crushed_ me? That _just maybe_ I would do anything, _anything_ , in the whole entire world, to prevent this fate, and that _MAYBE,_ explaining the DETAILS of this pain to someone who doesn’t even ATTEMPT to experience the BARE MINIMUM OF EMPATHY FOR A WOMAN WHO’S PRACTICALLY _ALREADY IN THE GRAVE HAS MAYBE MADE ME A LITTLE BIT UPSET!?!?!?!!?!?!?_

GG: Jesus!!!! God, I’m _sorry_ okay!! I thought you were crazy!!!!!

GG?: Maybe I am. Does that make me unworthy of your compassion, Jade? Have I fallen so far from the good graces of your benevolence that you would cast me out, alone and afraid, when all I would possibly ask for is a _shred_ of fucking comfort?

GG: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME!!!!

GG?: Hah.

GG?: I guess that’s what it all comes down to, in the end, isn’t it Jade?

GG?: Maybe you’ll figure it out.

GG?: Maybe you won’t.

GG?: I won’t be around to care, either way.

GG?: See you never, I suppose.

GG: Wh- Wait!!! Wait, where did you go????

GG: Hello?????

GG: ...Please, don’t leave me...

GG: It’s so dark in here.

GG: ...

GG: Hello?

here, we see that gardenGnostic [GG] is unable to continue pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

\---

elsewhere, however, gardenGnostic [GG] once again commits to talking to thin air

GG: God, I never thought I’d _miss_ the dream bubbles.

GG: Even that creepy troll girl wouldn’t be so bad, compared to this.

GG: Am I with you guys? Are you waiting for me?

GG: Or have you moved on?

GG: Am I just alone somewhere, staring at nothing, while you all go and...

GG: Hah.

GG: Be heroes?

GG: _Hero of Space_. What a joke. There is absolutely nothing heroic about sitting around, talking to _nothing_ , waiting to wake up, AGAIN, for _God_ knows how long, just to find out that the _~real~_ quest is the friends you made along the way, and anyone who disagrees can eat my foot!!!!!!!

(I WAITED MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE FOR HIM!!!!!! I DID _NOTHING_ BUT FUCKING APPEASE, AND AQUIESCE, AND GIVE GROUND, AND COMPROMISE, AND I SYMPATHISED WITH HIM WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD!!!!! WHEN NO ONE ELSE EVEN FUCKING _NOTICED_ WHAT HE WAS GOING THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOW I’M FUCKING ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 

GG: What the fuck??

_(WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO!!! HOW MUCH MORE OF MYSELF DO I HAVE TO FUCKING **KILL** JUST TO GET A CHANCE AT A NORMAL **FUCKING** LIFE!!!!!!! GOD **DAMN IT!!!!!** SOMEBODY JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT I’M DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)_

GG: Hello??? Are you okay??

 _ **(HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO WAIT!!!! HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO I HAVE TO**_ LOSE PEOPLE!!!! _ **)**_

GG: Woah-

_**(WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!!!)** _

GG: !!!

GG: Umm.

GG: ...Hello.

(..............)

(............)

(...Hello.)

GG: You... seem sad.

(What gave it away.)

GG: Hahah.

GG: Umm.

GG: You seem a lot... older than me.

GG: Are we... the same person?

(No. Not even close.)

GG: ...Oh.

(...)

GG: ...

GG: Umm.

GG: Do you want to talk about it?

(You don’t even know why I’m upset.)

GG: No... And obviously you don’t have to talk about it!!!

GG: I just thought... since we’re both here.

GG: It’s not like I really have anything else to do lol :B

(Hah.)

(...Why are you here exactly?)

GG: I’m asleep. I... I’m not sure how to explain why.

GG: It’s all gotten pretty conceptual!!

GG: But we’re all working to fix it.

(Huh. You’re all together?)

GG: Umm??? Of course!

GG: Some things are tense, especially with Jane and Dirk...

(Jesus. The more things change, I guess.)

GG: But we’re all working together. Of course we are!! We need to save Rose, and stop Dirk from... err-

(On second thought, I don’t want to know. It hurts too much.)

GG: Oh... I’m sorry :(

(It’s not your fault. It’s mine.)

GG: What do you mean?

(I wanted him to like me. So much. It’s all I’ve wanted for so long. I don’t even know why, if I’m really honest with myself.)

(It’s like... My life was nice. It was okay. It wasn’t perfect, but it was fine.)

(And after a certain point, I had to stop pussyfooting around, and just take the initiative.)

(It was _always_ supposed to be us. Everyone agreed!! Everyone’s been saying that since the dawn of time- even him!!!!)

(I let him have his time as a bachelor. I travelled. I explored. I got to experience so _much_ of this world that we created together. But we couldn’t be kids forever!!)

(And sure, I _wanted_ it to be the three of us, especially with how _cute_ they were together!!)

(But that was just never going to happen. Its - It’s practical to reassess your goals every once in a while. And Karkat made it clear-)

GG: What? Who are you talking about?

(Dave, of course.)

GG: Oh... really?

GG: I mean. Why?

(Why, what? Why Dave?)

GG: No- why are you upset about Dave? I’ve felt a lot of things about him over the years-

(Hah! Understatement of the year-)

GG: -but he’s never made me sad!!!

(Never, huh?)

GG: :?

(...This was a mistake. You’re- _You-)_

GG: Woah, are you okay?

( _No I’m not FUCKING okay!!)_

GG: !!!

(Everyone else got their family. Everyone else got their _happy fucking ending._ Even fucking GAMZEE for God’s sake!!)

GG: Woah woah woah, what!?

(And MAYBE we’re all FUCKING crazy and MAYBE we’re seconds away from the end of everything being fucking “essential” or what- _ever_ but maybe I don’t care about that any more!!! Maybe I just wanted a _life._ I wouldn’t have _cared_ if it was lonely, and- and _hard,_ and if I had to spend the rest of my life prying fucking _scraps_ of happiness out of thin _FUCKING AIR-)_

(But I couldn’t even have that. I couldn’t even have my shitty, _basic_ fucking relationship when literally _EVERYONE ELSE_ got to level the fucking EARTH for THEIRS.)

(What, were we the only ones who- who _differed in lifestyle???_ Fucking hardly!!!! But apparently THAT’S only a deal breaker when it comes to _me_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

(Everyone else got- got _Jake,_ and John, and fucking _Gamzee-!!!_ And they fucking made it work!!!!!! Like _adults!!!!!!!!!!!!!)_

(But I got _Dave._ )

(And he didn’t even care about me.)

GG: ...

GG: That sounds... horrible. I’m... I’m so sorry.

(Yeah, like you give a shit. I know I’m just a fucking loser, and that’s all I’ve ever been destined for, and you don’t have to... Ugh. Sugar coat that. I mean, you didn’t even get a _choice_ in ending up here. _I’ve_ just got no where else to go.)

GG: Wait- you got a choice???

(...Yeah, actually. It was stay there or try my luck with the black hole. And. Well.)

GG: O-oh.

(I _wanted_ to find him. I thought that maybe he was just lost, or- or, I don’t know, maybe he was captured by enemy forces, or- fuck, maybe he just fell into one of the cave systems and broke his leg!!)

(So I tracked him. And I found his body.)

(I still don’t know how that was possible.)

(How is dying lost and alone in some shitty old bunker Just or Heroic?)

(Hah. He basically broke reality to get away from me.)

(...)

GG: ...That’s...

(How wasn’t I enough? I never demanded _anything_. I _joined_ the damn rebellion with him!!!)

(I never even asked to have kids. Because _he_ wasn’t ready.)

(And I gave that up for him.)

(I gave up fucking everything.)

(Did he just not care?? Did he not _see???)_

(Why didn’t he fucking say something!? _Anything!!!!)_

(I thought we were on the same page!!! Sure he was weird about it, about _us,_ but he’s _Dave!_ He’s weird about everything! If the man ever expressed a genuine emotion I swear he’d drop dead!!!!)

(It was like this big joke that we were all in on together!!!)

(I would say something sweet, he would get uncomfortable and change the subject, but he would keep holding my hand.)

(And I would smile. Because it felt like we _understood_ each other.)

(We didn’t need to prove anything to the people who knew us. _We_ knew what was up. And that was enough.)

(I just keep remembering all the times I would talk about our friends like... like we were in it together. Like we were each other’s refuge, even if everyone else went fucking _batshit._ Jesus, even John went off the deep end there for a little bit!! But we stayed together. We were the _rock,_ you know? Good old Dave and Jade, keeping the group together through thick and thin.)

(But he wasn’t with me. Not really. It’s like- it’s like I’d been leading the way, all this time. And because he’d always been following me, at some point – I don’t even know _when_ \- I stopped checking to see if he was still behind me. Because of course he was! It was _Dave!_ He wouldn’t leave me!!)

(And then I looked back. And he was gone.)

(And now I don’t even know when I lost him.)

(How long did he follow me for before giving up? Was he _ever_ even trusting me, or did I just make all of that up in my head to justify bossing him around? Was he just waiting for something better to come along?? Was he _really_ just waiting to _die!?)_

GG: Holy shit.

GG: That’s fucking horrible!!!

GG: How could he treat you that like that!!!!!!!

(I don’t know. I. I don’t understand.)

(I’m so scared.)

(I did everything in my life to- to get _here_ , to this _exact_ point in my life. Where things would be okay.)

(And now I’m here. And he’s not. And I don’t- I don’t have _anything-)_

GG: Jade...

( _What the fuck am I going to do he left me alone I did everything for him I have nothing why the fuck did he leave me why the fuck didn’t_ I _leave_ him- _)_

GG: Woah, wait!!! Where are you going!!!!!!!!

 _(I’m gonna die here alone and terrified and fucking LOST and I’ll never even know why he did what he did and I’ll never know why I sacrificed fucking everything to get to a life that amounts to fucking nothing and got me fuCKING NOTHING-)_

GG: Jade, please!! Come back!!! You don’t have to leave!!!!!

 _(WHY DID I EVER EVEN WANT TO LEAVE THE ISLAND ITS ALL THE FUCKING SAME EVERYONE’S THE FUCKING SAME NO ONE CARES NO ONE WANTS ME HERE I SHOULD JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE WHY DID I EVEN TRY WHY DID I EVER THINK I COULD HAVE A LIFE WHY DID I EVER THINK THINGS COULD BE OKAY WHY DID I EVER THINK ANYONE COULD LOVE ME-)_

GG: Damnit, not again!!! Why do we all keep DOING THIS!!!

GG: How is anything supposed to get better if we can’t even talk to ourselves about what’s happening!!!!!!!

GG: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

due to circumstances outside of her control, gardenGnostic [GG] stopped pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

\---

regardless, gardenGnostic [GG] continues to talk to herself (?)

GG: I never got why the others were so afraid of dying. We’re immortal now, who gives a shit? Fling yourself off a cliff face and see how far you can drop before chickening out and kicking God mode back in, inches off of the ground.

GG: Maybe you’ll go viral. Maybe people will approach you in the street, stars in their eyes: ‘ _wowie misses are you that famous cliff jumping girl??? my mommy told me your parents didn’t love you!!! can you sign my face!?!?!?!?’_

GG: And then you get to go ‘well shucks kiddo I’m just doing what comes natural, you feeeeeeeel meeeeeeeee??? B)’

GG: And then you sign his shirt AND his face because you’re a goddamn hero.

GG: I think I get it now, though.

GG: Its not that I think I’m gonna be here _forever_... But I’d be lying if every torturous _fucking_ millisecond wasn’t getting me closer and closer to wanting to rip my eyeballs out and shove them up my nose.

GG: Just for something to change.

GG: Can’t change anything when you’re dead.

GG: Its just you and the void in a staring contest.

GG: Like its always been, I suppose.

GG: ...

GG: Hey Kanaya, you better give Dirk a WHOPPING kick in the balls for me, ya hear?????

GG: Yeah, you get me. You’re probably more fucked up about this whole thing than me. No one’s kidnapped _my_ wife and turned her quasi immortal and also maybe evil.

GG: I’m too much of a ~free spirit~ for that :B

GG: Can’t lose your loved ones if you don’t have any.

GG: ...

GG: ...

GG: ...

GG: ... _JES-_ us that was dark!!! I’m sorry guys I didn’t mean that... I’m just going a little stir crazy in here haha!

GG: Ooh, I beat you guys have drawn ALL over my face with sharpies by now XD

GG: You _bet_ I’m gonna get back for that >;))))))

GG: Don’t fall asleep any time soon Strider. Oh what’s that??? The mysterious dog-person-kind-of-corpse seems to have a case of the old wandering hands!!! And just _who_ put that bucket of ice cold water directly next to Dave’s sleeping bag??? _Someone_ might have an. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

GG: Accident B)

GG: Hehehehehe.

UU: always laughing the face of existential horror, aren’t we Jade.

GG: What the-!!!!!!

GG: Ah.

GG: Me again.

GG: Well, this is a fun one.

GG: You look like a fetus, you’ve got a mortal injury _and_ you sounds like your possessed!!! What a hat-trick!!!! Bingo! Goal! Yahtzee!!!! SPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UU: cracking jokes at your own expense does not make you seem as put together as you think, you know.

GG: Oh what _-ever_ crazy jade, SHOOT me if I’m trying to have a little fun around here.

UU: are you, though? having fun?

GG: Duhhhh, of _course_ I am?? What ISN’T fun about staring into the fucking abyss with no perceivable change in time _or_ my surroundings, making _excellent_ quips to a group of friends that could very well be dead for all _I_ know about what’s going on :D !!!!!

UU: you can’t even be honest with yourself when no one else is around, can you jade.

UU: won’t even give yourself the bare _minimum_ of space to acknowledge your feelings

UU: everything has to be funny.

GG: Okay, I think I’ve already _had_ the ghost of Christmas past treatment, _thank you very much_.

GG: I get it, I have some horrible repressed memory or some shit that would totally break me if I ever became aware of it, and you’re here to simultaneously mock me about lying to myself while also facilitate and – dare I say it – _encourage_ me to continue doing so!!

GG: I’d like to skip the instant replay, thank you very much :)

UU: i’m not talking about your repression. I’m talking about lying to yourself.

GG: Laa-la-laaaaa, I’m not listeniiiiiing!!!

UU: you’ve had nothing but time, and nothing else to _possibly_ occupy yourself other than self reflection, and still, eons later, you’re constructing stories to make yourself feel better.

GG: Just because I’m not like _you,_ letting a... err, certainly fatal but otherwise quite indescribable chest wound give me the morbs, _doesn’t_ mean I’m lying to myself.

GG: It means I am being optimistic!!! Which I’ll have you know is a _very_ valuable trait, that you might want to try sometime :p

UU: who are you performing for, jade? me? i sacrificed my sense of self long ago, in the throes of a total and utter sense of exhaustion at the end of the world. the black hole embraced me, and I welcomed its deafening silence. i could not judge you any more than I would judge a wayward cloud.

GG: Yeeeeeeeesh, no wonder that wound looks so gnarly X(

UU: i don’t have to perform anymore, jade. i don’t have to live, either. all I am is what I think, all alone, at the end of the universe. nothing is my responsibility. its just me and the stars, dying, and being reborn, together, for eternity.

GG: If this is supposed to be a sales pitch, it’s a pretty crappy one!! Sorry I don’t feel fulfilled enough to realise that the one _true_ me is the one being spaghetified into oblivion!!!

UU: its not a sales pitch. It’s a question.

GG: ...

UU: i’m asking you, the jade you are now – not some elusive _true_ jade, or _real_ jade, or _canon_ jade, just. _you._ – what do you think you will live to see first? you being honest with yourself, and with your friends? or the same suicidal numbness that lead me to happily fall backwards into the void?

GG: _Jesus_ _Christ?????????????_

UU: i assumed you would already have been thinking about this. we are quite good at predicting the worst, though we hide it well. is your exclamation supposed to indicate that you don’t have an answer?

GG: Of _course_ I’m being honest with my friends. I’m a terrible liar!!!!!

GG: What, have you drunk the Strilonde koolaid of questioning the very existence of personhood just for kicks?? Do you REALLY think _the personaaaality is a façade, the boooody an illuuuuuuusion_??? What, you want me to say 'yes misses void god I _am_ a weenie piece of shit who has and always will be the scum of the earth because I enjoy being _nice_ to people, and thus I believe I will kill myself no sooner than the ripe old age of 31’?????? is THAT IT?????

UU: that’s an interesting use of the word nice. why not kind?

GG: Bluh bluh idiot, those are synonyms. I could have used either >:(

UU: but you didn’t. you chose _nice._

UU: thin smiles, white lies, careful little excuses expertly crafted to make yourself _easy_. palatable. understandable. loveable.

GG: This is just _ridiculous_. You think I’m the only person in the world who tries to make herself _likeable???_ Get fucking real!!!

UU: you’re a victim, jade. you always have been.

GG: Oh what the _fuck._

UU: a victim of other people’s wants, desires. even when you try to ignore them, you define yourself in direct opposition of them.

UU: do you even know what it is to not care what other people think?

UU: how can a girl raised so totally and completely alone be so physically incapable of viewing herself in anything other than third person?

GG: I was completely _alone_ you bitch!! All I _had_ was my fucking reflection for company!!! OF _COURSE_ I GAVE A SHIT HOW OTHERS PERCIEVED ME – WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE CARE!!!!

GG: You think anyone wants to make friends with little-miss-woe-is-me??? NO!!! They want someone who can laugh at their jokes, and cry about their past, and be _stupid_ , and _flighty,_ and the butt of every joke they could ever hope to tell. Because _then_ they have a reason to stick around!!! Free _fucking_ validation!!!!!

UU: you really believe that is all you are to them?

GG: You really believe they’re capable of seeing me as anything else?

GG: Doesn’t matter that I haven’t gardened in years. All I get is fucking pumpkin seeds. Like some ridiculous fucking joke. ‘Hey remember when your only real chance at some variety in your diet was literally snatched away from you by someone in _another fucking timeline???_ Yeah let’s revisit _that_ stage in your life!!!!!!’

GG: At least Jake gets me succulents. Stick ‘em on a fucking windowsill, pour some stale water on them and boom! You’ve shown how much you _care_ :)))

GG: Can’t do _that_ with pumpkins. Gotta plant them. Gotta visit them. Gotta come back to them, no matter how far you try and run. They’re always waiting for you.

GG: I’m always rewriting myself into something more palatable. Something more easily digestible. I don’t _get_ to be a variable. I have to be the constant.

GG: Sure, I’m shrinking and growing and tessalating and sliding and fucking transforming if I have to but fuck it all if I’m ever allowed to change for _me._

GG: They don’t like you _constantly_ hanging around like a stray dog, peeking through the windows, sleeping in the doorway, desperately waiting for ANY fucking SCRAP of human connection that they would so graciously _lower_ themselves to offer to you?? Fine!! Spread your wings! Sleep around! Fuck anything that moves!! See? You’re not dependent anymore!!!!! SURELY THEY’LL LIKE YOU NOW!!!!!!!!

GG: When was the last time anyone even fucking _asked_ me about _my_ interests? You guessed it!!! IT WAS DAVE DOING SOME BULLSHIT WITH THE ECONOMY!!!! _AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

GG: They want you to send well wishes at every conceivable life event - never mind that John hasn’t celebrated a birthday in five years!!! – but if you try to actually be a _part_ of that life, suddenly you’re the weirdo!! The freak!!!! The ‘oh sorry we didn’t order enough food!’ ‘we didn’t think you were coming!’ ‘don’t you have a fuckbuddy to get back to??’ ‘weren’t you _just_ on the other side of the planet?????’

GG: YEAH I FUCKING WAS BECAUSE _YOU_ GUYS DIDN”T WANT ME AROUND! AND I GAVE YOU _EXACTLY_ WHAT YOU WANTED!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE A GOOD!!!!!!! FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

GG: And _GOD_ forbid I start making the most out of what I’ve fucking got. Making fucking _man’s-best-friend_ jokes and wagging my tail and wearing short skirts and leaving my shit at other people’s houses.

GG: GOD FORBID I _actually_ make a fucking effort to _really_ connect with the only two people who’ve never fucking bothered to kick me out!!! Am I a fucking monster for _daring_ to think that maybe that means they actually like me!?!?!?!?

GG: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UU: o.o

UU: it seems like that had been pent up for a while.

GG: Yeah. Well. I’m being honest now, alright? Perfectly fucking clandestine, you hear? You’ve never _seen_ a bitch more filled the fuck up with candor.

GG: Maybe you’ll start leaving me the fuck alone now.

UU: as you wish

GG: Yeah, as I _fucking wish._ Great how that only counts for shit once _you_ got what you wanted.

GG: Have fun being torn asunder by the event horizon, you shithead.

GG: I’ll send you a postcard when I wake up and, shockingly, _don’t_ want to kill myself!!

UU: when? oh, darling. that’s dreadfully optimistic, don’t you think?

GG: GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!

the silence surrounding gardenGnostic [GG] quickly becomes deafening

\---

nevertheless, gardenGnostic [GG] refuses to be forgotten

GG: I hope everyone’s okay.

GG: I don’t know how long its been.

GG: The other Jade’s haven’t returned.

GG: Or if they have they haven’t looked for me.

GG: I’m not even sure if I can move in here????

GG: _That’s_ ironic, right? Surely out of anyone, I should be able to tell how fucking SPACE works. And _yet..._

GG: Argh. I think I’m losing my mind.

GG: Have you tried to wake me up? Do any of you even know how?

GG: ...Or am I just more convenient as a corpse?

GG: Cause, wow, God for-BID I mess with canon!!!

GG: God forbid I do ANYTHING for myself!!!!!!!!!!

GG: ...

see how gardenGnostic [GG] rails so desperately against her fate?

GG: I miss Prospit.

GG: I miss the Queen.

GG: I miss the carapaces.

GG: I miss knowing what I had to do.

GG: I miss knowing that _I_ had to do _anything._

GG: I miss knowing that I _mattered._ Even just that little bit. Even if all I had to look forward to for 13 fucking years was starting up a game that I didn’t even want to play, just to further SBURB’s agenda.

GG: That was enough for me.

GG: ...

GG: Is my part just over?

GG: Was I supposed to die for the cause??? Would it have been _better_ if I did??????

GG: Maybe I’d have done better as a memory for people to cry over, than whatever the fuck _this_ shit is.

GG: At least I’d bring people together for once.

GG: ...

even now, as she truly begins to comprehend the depths of her tragedy, gardenGnostic [GG] won't let herself slip into oblivion

GG: I _don’t_ want to die. Fuck what crazy me said, she was a bitch.

GG: And you know what, fuck _all_ the other me’s!! They’re all crazy, and stupid, and dumb!!

GG: My life isn’t like theirs. My _friends_ aren’t like theirs.

GG: My _Dave_ isn’t-!!!!

GG: ...They _all_ love me, and miss me, and can’t wait for me to come back.

GG: Just you wait.

GG: ...

GG: Any second now.

it is beautiful, in a way, to watch the struggle gardenGnostic [GG] puts up against her own irrelevance

GG: ...

GG: ......

GG: .........

GG: ............I hate this.

GG: ...

GG: I _hate_ this.

GG: I fucking hate this!

GG: I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!!!

GG: CAN YOU HEAR ME YOU BASTARDS!?!?!?!?!? I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!! I WANT TO WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME GO!!!!!!!! LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GG: I WANT TO WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GG: _FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

GG: **_LET ME WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

GG: **_I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I_** ** _WANT TO WAKE UP_** **_I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO_** ** _WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP_** ** _I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE UP I WANT TO WAKE U-_**

but gardenGnostic [GG] forgets that it is not up to her if, or _when,_ she is silenced.

**Author's Note:**

> Of course, this is heavily inspired by Duckface's Theatre Of Coolty, which if you tell me you haven't already read I won't believe you, BUT feel it's imperative to recommend regardless. Seriously. Go read it. It's very very very very good. For realsies.
> 
> An alternative title to this was 'Jade Harley cannot stop herself being projected onto by sad teenagers even when forcibly removed from both the internal and external audience's view' but I didn't want to isolate all y'all sad individuals of varying age brackets. We are all united by our wish to remove Jade Harley from Homestuck. It's okay. Just let the tears flow. 
> 
> If you have questions about some of the things - in paticular - Game Over Jade was implying about Jade and her repressed memories, I highly suggest checking out mmmmalo on tumblr's analysis of the many Significantly Upsetting Things implied about Jade and her childhood. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
